I heard that movie is amazing! Who did you see it with?
Oh, I haven’t heard of that show. Who did you go with?
That trip sounds so fun! Who did you travel with?
These are all questions I have been asked by my friends over the last few years. And my answer to all of them is nobody.
I have watched movies alone, seen Broadway shows alone, and traveled alone. I’ve also eaten meals in restaurants by myself, visited museums solo, and gone to Nets games by myself.
I know what you’re thinking.
That seems weird.
I don’t blame you. I used to think that, too. Why did I feel like I couldn’t do things alone?
The biggest reason was fear of judgment. I thought others were going to see me doing an activity alone and judge me. And stare at me. And ridicule me. But here’s the thing I found. No one really cared about what I was doing. When they were having a good time, they were enjoying their company; they weren’t focused on me. And if they were talking about me, that probably meant they were having such a bad time with whoever they were with that I had somehow become the topic of their conversation.
Another reason was societal norms. My mind had been warped by the classic books, movies, and shows to believe that activities must be done with others. But that makes little sense in practice. For example, when I was traveling alone for work, I couldn’t possibly have anyone else to dine with, but I still needed to eat. No matter how many people I knew, there were days where my friends or family weren’t available. I realized if I didn’t do what I wanted or needed to do just because I was alone, I would ultimately be missing out.
Finally my own insecurity, self-doubt, and lack of self-confidence was preventing me from doing things alone. I made excuses in my head for how others would think without having any concrete evidence. But when my friend went to grab a drink at a concert, and I was left alone, did I feel insecure? When my friend at the basketball game went to the bathroom, and I was left alone, did I feel insecure? When my friend showed up late at the bar or restaurant for our plans, and I was left alone, did I feel insecure? The truth is, I didn’t. Maybe it was because any glance towards me could be combatted by the truth. They’ll see I’m with someone I would think.
Or maybe—just maybe—it was because I was enjoying the moment for what it was, regardless of who I was with.
I eventually realized my mindset is what was holding me back. Once I got over that hurdle, and cultivated the self-confidence to embrace doing what I wanted, I never looked back. Now I’ve started doing more things alone, and I am content because I am prioritizing my own wants and needs.
Now, I get it. The feeling of loneliness is real. As humans, we rely on connection with others. Maybe my propensity for doing things alone is a little crazy.
But don’t you think compromising what you want to do because you’re not getting validation from random people is just as crazy?
Is watching a movie really a social activity? Do I really need a friend or family member chiming in during a movie or can I still enjoy it without them? What’s so bad about traveling alone and getting to set my own itinerary for the day without having to cater to others’ desires? Wouldn’t it be great to go at my own pace at the museum versus speeding through each exhibition to keep up with my friend?
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not trying to say that doing things alone is better than doing things with others. More often than not, I would enjoy a dinner more with someone on the other side to talk to. I would enjoy a comedy show more with the company of others so we could share the laughs. I would enjoy a game more with a fellow fan by my side, cheering our team on to victory.
What I’m saying is that I used to make the wrong comparison. The better question to ask is: would I prefer doing that activity alone or not doing it at all?
For me, the answer is clear. I’d rather do it, even if that means doing it alone.
Maybe you should consider your answer, too.
Hey Nikil, I love the way you phrased it! “Would I prefer doing that activity alone or not doing it at all?”
As someone who wants to and can travel (but don’t have a lot of friends who are on the same boat), I spent the past year doing a decent amount of solo traveling! People are often surprised by this, but I always say: “I’m not going to let anyone else stop me from taking the potentially best trip of my life.”
I’m actually going to share this article with some of these people because I think this is the best way to phrase it!