#19: Directness
Note: I missed posting yesterday, but I am getting back on track today. Let’s keep this going!
I am currently in New York City looking for new apartments with a friend of mine, and I’ve come to a conclusion that many of you may likely relate to: it’s not easy trying to find a place to live.
Yesterday, we spent a long and tiring day viewing apartments. Today is being spent doing the same. However, during this process, and in the conversations that came up afterwards, my friend and I uncovered a key quality that we believe is valuable in the people you live with—whether it’s a friend, significant other, family member, whomever. That quality is what I would describe as disagreeableness. This may counterintuitive, but it’s true.
Disagreeableness or directness is an important trait because it enables you to be upfront, clear, and honest about what you want, and what you desire. Directness sacrifices short term satisfaction, and it may be uncomfortable at first, but it makes you happier in the long term.
In the past when I’ve lived with roommates, I’ve focused more on avoiding conflict and being agreeable rather than clearly stating how I feel. If it were something I deemed “small” like cleaning up someone else’s dishes, I might do it myself rather than engage in having that conversation. In theory, this seemed okay, but if it continued, problems like that start to compound, and it will start bothering me more.
Further, it put the onus on my roommate to interpret that it bothers me. Since you have not made it clear that you are unhappy doing those things, it is entirely possible your roommate is simply unaware of your true feelings. In fact I was often doing the dishes so it may have appeared I didn’t mind—my feelings and needs were in my head not being stated.
In essence, it’s much better to just be clear about what you want, how you feel, and what you’d like them to change. It is important to be clear about what you like/don’t like about places or your wants/must-haves and being direct about them with your living partner as early as possible. Even if it may appear that you are being too picky or selfish, it’s actually better to be disagreeable because it leads to more direct conversations around both parties’ wants and better overall outcomes. And if both parties act this way, then both people feel like they are getting what they want when they are compromising rather than a compromise where no one wins.
Moreover, when I say disagreeableness, I don’t mean actively trying to create conflict. Nor do I mean it in the way of annoying, rude, or brash. Rather, I mean someone who is willing to be open and forthright in addressing conflict head on and not someone focusing on avoidance in order to be agreeable.
In Nonviolent Communication, Marshall Rosenberg lays out a helpful framework of Observation => Feeling => Need => Request. This is a good way to think about how to resolve conflict by making sure both people are getting what they’d want.
Observe without evaluating and do so with empathy. Then state how you feel about the conflict, clarify your needs, and finally express a specific request based on your need. This level of being direct may be painful in the short term, but will pay dividends in the long term.